So in recent conversations (IE my friend Brittany), I have discovered that I am in a very awkward "age" and "time"..if you will. We will refer to this time as the "twilight zone"...
I am now 22, although I sometimes find myself thinking I am 23...weird I know. I am a 22 year old that has been married for almost 2 years, and has an almost 1 year old. I don't need to spell it out for you...I am a very typical "Mormon housewife". I got married at 20, and got pregnant "on accident" only 4 months after being married.
Well somehow I find myself now with a almost one year old, and being the Relief Society Secretary. I find myself in a category..."married, mom, stay at home"! The problem comes from not "really" being in this category. You see, I am not like the other married, mom's that stay at home...I am not responsible like them. I don't do good visiting teaching, I am not nice to everyone like them. I say really stupid things ALL THE TIME. I am not good at being married, and I am most certainly not a good wife. I am not good at "the budget"...and I HATE being poor. I don't' keep my house clean, and I don't fold the laundry after I wash and dry it.
So you see...I feel somewhat out of place...or "the twilight zone". I feel like I am supposed to be in this category, but I can't seem to make it. I feel SOO old at times and then so young.
For instance...today I start college...AGAIN! I was in my first class, and was sitting at a table with
Girl #1: playboy EVERYTHING. She had a necklace, and purse, a ring all adorn in playboy bunny logos.
Girl #2: business major, no kids, no husband and I am pretty sure at one point she said "I am only 19, I can't worry about kids"
Girl #3: fresh out of high school, wants to major in "child development" and become and preschool teacher...ahhhh
So I am sitting there thinking "I AM in the age bracket, I am in the same class as them, and I am not much older than them...why THE HELL do I feel so freaking old?"
Second "for instance"...so I was at church on Sunday. I was sitting in Relief Society, and I was looking around. I see at least 15 woman that I really look up to. They have their lives together, and are what I would call "close to Mary Poppins". They have wonderful children, they always have something meaningful to say. They don't make fun of people, and they are smart and educated. They have clean houses, and do their callings, and are good wife's, and have jobs, and go to school...and and and...they basically do every ting. So I am looking at them, and thinking "why am I here...I am way to young to be associating with these woman". (and no, I am not just being sensitive, I feel completely welcome in my RS, I just make myself feel this way)
So, this is where I am at in life...the "twilight zone"!!! Does anyone out there feel the same way? I know I do...but does anyone alts...or am I just crazy?
14 comments:
You know I feel the same way. It's like I am expected to be really responsible and mature, but then I realize I am still SO young and know nothing about life. It's weird. I am glad that at least we get to be in the "twilight zone" together!!
okay so i think i've been stuck there for 5 years or so. really. even though i grow older, i still am surrounded by amazing people - i'm the mediocre one who still says stupid things and knows nothing, oh and secretly, I'm still 19!!! ha.
I know what you mean. I feel so much older than other 24 year olds. I'm pretty much a responsible person...but I definitely don't have everything together. I don't think anyone really ever does. You never know what/how people are behind closed doors! At least that what I tell myself to make me feel better.
so funny that you think you're 23 because i think that same way! (for me) although i've been 22 for almost a year i still hesitate when people ask me my age because i instantly want to say 23 when hello i am definitely not 23 yet! i've decided that i've never really been 22. i skipped over that age. but yes i feel ya on the twilight zone.
I couldn't imagine having to go back to school. It was hard enough to be in school with single people when I was married. I couldn't imagine doing it as a mom. You feel old because in a way you are older experience wise. I think so anyway. And as for relief society - It always seems to me like all the other women are perfect housewives and and have all kinds of skills and talents and what not, and it is all I can do just to get the simple stuff done. Anyway, sometimes it does hit me that I really not that old but sometimes I act like I'm 30 or something. Then I make Seth take me out somewhere and do something fun so that I feel like a 22 year old again :P
Hey Jami- Im so glad i read your post... it honestly makes me feel a whole lot better to know that im not the only one that feels that way!!! As far as seeing other women and thinking that theyve got it ALL together and are so perfect, (because i tend to do the same thing when i see other ladies)-BUT the reality is, that people probably look at you and say the same thing about you having it all together!(I think you do!) YOure a great girl, mom, wife, and decorator for cryin out loud!! AND youre funny and beautiful!HOnestly, you are great! Don't ever doubt it!!!!!!!!!!! Grace is growing up - i cant believe our kids are almost 1! it IS crazy!
PS. i havent showered in 2 days, AND i have laundry sitting on my couch that i havent folded AND I need to clean my house, figure somehting out for dinner tonight.... oh well though. Just thought you should know!!
Oh, yes. The twilight zone. I can't remember how old I am either. I'm pretty sure I turn 22 this month. But when I was a kid i remember thinking "once I'm 20, I won't even need to keep track of how old I am. I'll just be old."
Hey, at least you have a kid. I am one of THREE women in my ward without one. No one knows how to have a conversation with me because I can't talk about potty training. Or food storage. Ah well. Someday we'll blink and be out of the twilight zone.
Hey! You mentioned sometimes thinking you are 23. That is sooo funny to me because i do the exact same thing! For the last 3 or 4 months I have actually been thinking I am 23...and i actually told someone i was 23 while seconds later I retracted that statement I find it so odd that i actually spoke the words, "I'm 23 years old" while really i'm only 22 like you. So, anyways, my point is/was that's funny you said that...i can relate.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. We weren't made from cookie cutters. I know there are lots of women that look at you and see how fun, talented, and beautiful you are. I am just as bad at looking at other women and wishing I could be that good, but honestly all women do that. We see eachother's strengths and compare them to our weekenesses.
I feel like I am lacking in areas like a clean house and well behaved kids. I just think about what is really important to me, like taking time to play with my girls. Life would be boring if we were all perfect. You spice it up.
You know not many people are as honest as you are Jaime.I think you don't give yourself enough credit, you have things to offer that none of those people do. You are SOOO funny, it is amazing how much someone with a good sense of humor can do for someone else. You are so honest, that is SOOOOO rare today! Everyone must go through the "twilight zone" and it must take a long time to get everything put together, and in a way it will never be all put together. It seems like everyone loves you instantly, you always have the most comments on your blogs. You are too hard not to love. We all seem to beat ourselves up over not being enough but you are one of the COOLEST people I have ever come in contact with!
Wow, like you, and other's on here have stated, I too feel like I am 23 years old even though I am only 22. Even when people ask me how old I am, I have to second guess myself! It's freaky. I guess because my husband is 23, I tend to put myself in the same category as he is. Our ward just went through a huge baby boom, so I feel like I fit in pretty well, even though the majority in our ward are old ppl, they are all like grandparents to me. I think all the time, before I got married I had it all! I was spoiled beyond spoiled and I didn't even know it. I grew up though, pretty quickly when I got married at 18, right out of highschool and had 2 kids in 2 years. They keep me on my toes and even though I feel as if I am older than I am, because of more responsiblity and I clean 24/7 and take care of 2 crazy kids all day (which i'm sure other 22 year olds are out partying all night), another side of me feels soo young because I watch barney, blues clues and dora and I know the words to all the songs! lol. Just relax :) I have had to tell myself that a time or two, seeing how incredibly fast both my kids have grown. I feel like life slips away too quickly...I'll never get today back. Don't rush things, live for the moment and enjoy the little details. I think you look like you have it pretty much together, you are so disciplined to write in your blog to share with us all your goofy, funny, exciting moments that we all love to read because you are a great writer. I bet if you wrote down all your good qualities and bad qualities, the good would outweigh the bad by far! You are doing great! :)
I know what you mean. Sometimes I think, "I'm only 22 and I been married for almost 4 yeas and have 2 kids! So many people my age aren't married or even thinking about it." But then I remember how much I love my life and husband and kids and am so blessed! Oh well if I'm 22 going on 30!
Post a Comment